Doesn't mean you should.
I wrestled with that a lot around Christmas. Even more so as the effects of the economic crisis loom large and the profound poverty and despair that has been exposed in Haiti since the earthquake last week. As I listened to my own kids and their friends, I just couldn't get over the insanity of the annual Christmas lists. I-phones, ipods, cell phones, Nintendo DS or DSi (I still don't know the difference), Barbie Townhouse (if that sounds innocuous, it comes with a $170 price tag) or the Barbie Glamour Camper for a mere $75. I heard of a Mom lamenting she had gotten her 14 year old daughter a nicer phone than she had. Seriously?
Let me be candid, my kids don't want for anything. Sure, there may be lots of things that that want, but their basic needs of shelter, food, and clothing are more than covered. And that doesn't even touch on the plethora of Webkinz, Wii games, American Girl Dolls, Littlest Pet Shop, MP3 players, etc. that they own.
Just because you can...
I am not trying to be holier than thou here. We have provided lots of niceties for our kids. We are blessed in many ways, we can provide for our kids well over and beyond the necessities. I'd like to think that we try to keep in reined in, but it's all a matter of perspective.
Doesn't mean you should.
While it would be fun, really fun, to get them the latest cool toy or the cutest outfit from Mini Boden or CrewCuts, sign them up for each new activity they express an interest in, what does that teach them? If I start introducing and placing value on labels or brands at age 7 or 8, where will that put me (us) at 16 or 17? If I give in to the ipod now, will I be that Mom who is whining about her daughter having a better phone than I do in 10 years? If I sign them up with each whim, will they learn how to persevere in a difficult comittment?
What kind of adults am I trying to create as I raise my kids?
It's no wonder kids today have such a prolific sense of entitlement and lack self-discipline. We give them everything without asking (much of) anything.
The last time I checked, that's not how life works. At least not as an adult.
A friend sent me an article citing a study from the 1960's about children and marshmallows. If you have a minute, read it. It's well worth your time, and it's brief.
http://www.msgen.com/downloads/Marshmallow.pdf
The upshot is that if a four year old could wait a few minutes for an extra marshmallow, this restraint translated into better marriages, better paying-jobs, and having higher levels of career satisfaction later on in life. And as parents, when we say "no" to our kids requests for the latest and greatest thing or demand, we are helping them prepare for life as an adult. The results demonstrate that teaching children how to wait, how to delay gratification and the art of self-discipline, are skills every bit as valuable as teaching them how to read or write.
Cool. Now I have scientific back up for when I am the Mean Mom who "always" says "NO".
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Something to think about.
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This is fantastic and very well put - and I'm not even a parent (but I know a few parents I'd like to show this to!). Thanks for writing this!
ReplyDeleteThere's so much more that can go along with this, too. "Stuff" is so easily acquired - the real cost of it gets so easily lost (production costs, environmental costs, hours one had to work to be able to buy it, etc).
Thanks for being an awesome mom! (even if they call you "mean mom who says no"!)
Thanks Maux. I appreciate the feedback. You're right, there is so very much more that can be addressed in conjunction with this topic. Thanks for your interest, and by all means, share the post if you think it'd make any difference out there. It's tough going these days!
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think the people who need to hear it would really not want to hear it, or might listen but probably would not change their ways. I/we do try to set what little example we can by giving simple gifts, donations instead of gifts, or trying to buy used things (like books) whenever we can.
ReplyDeleteOn the flipside, I know there must be a lot of pressure on parents -from other parents, from kids, from society, from relentless advertising, etc I know we always had piles of presents as kids, and I'm sure the pressure to give your kids the latest and greatest of everything must be even higher now!
But there are awesome people like you guys - so there's hope! One guy I work with told me he and his kids were working on making all their presents this past christmas. He does worodworking and was teaching the kids how to make and build things for one another - how cool is that?!
Totally agree Ms. BeckyB!! Every Christmas comes and goes and we're simply amazed at how much "stuff" is really here in our house for our kids...and for that matter, for us!! In an effort to try and teach our kids about the "less-is-more" theory -- we started a rule we'd heard about from someone...that for each NEW toy or thing he/she gets, he/she will need to go through his/her stuff and get rid of (by way of donation to a shelter or church group) that same number of items. That way, it really makes them think about what they value and what they don't. We were even quite specific that what they chose couldn't be the broken, ratty toys either. Needed to be something that another child would enjoy as well. Was quite interesting to see! But, Winnie and I have also come to a cross-roads in our acculation of "stuff" and we've been in a total "trash it!" mode for several months. CraigsList and donations to Goodwill have been plentiful. We really are starting to realize that "stuff" can become a real burden. Just because we could doesn't mean that we shoulda...in Target, WalMart or any of the other various retail locations we love to frequent!!!! Thanks for another great edition of the BeckyBlog!! :-) Love and miss you, dear!!! -D :-)
ReplyDeleteGosh, thanks so much for posting this. I haven't had a chance to read the article YET (wonder why? Considering it's taking me a month to catch up on your blog... which... is... FAB...U...LOUS!!). However, ugh... I try SO SO SO SO hard to assume the same role as you're exemplifying here. However, I often wonder if I'm following through completely? I'm a little more 'giving' to my oldest child -- who, as you know -- is my only girl. Back when my biggest decision of the day was what time should I head to Target, in an effort to strategically schedule the (only!) 1 or 2 children's naps that day... I do recall beginning a BAD BAD BAD pattern. I'd pick 1 item off the shelf that they seemed to like (but was a TOTAL waste of money, looking back - right?). LOOKING back, I think I was doing that because "I" wanted something new to freshen up the toy bin, and since it was for 1 of the kids, I didn't feel bad buying it -- as "it wasn't for me, anyway". However, it WAS self-indulgent. In fact, I think that's what put us into a pattern of living paycheck by paycheck - argh.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, where was I? Now, my kids do say, "Mom, this year for Xmas I want...." -- (this JUST happened YESTERDAY, swear). I said, "Daughter, YOU KNOW that's 10 months away, right??". She said, "Yeah, i know, but I'm telling you now". So, I've conquered them "holding off for a holiday to get something", but I've yet to conquer the continual obsession with "things". I often reference the child we sponsor and have all-but-adopted (financially) in Guatemala... and remind them of her. And, of course, the families in Haiti. That usually does the trick -- for the short term.
Wow, I just went on and on with random thoughts... but wanted to THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER!!