Thursday, January 21, 2010

Just Because You Can...

Doesn't mean you should.

I wrestled with that a lot around Christmas. Even more so as the effects of the economic crisis loom large and the profound poverty and despair that has been exposed in Haiti since the earthquake last week. As I listened to my own kids and their friends, I just couldn't get over the insanity of the annual Christmas lists. I-phones, ipods, cell phones, Nintendo DS or DSi (I still don't know the difference), Barbie Townhouse (if that sounds innocuous, it comes with a $170 price tag) or the Barbie Glamour Camper for a mere $75. I heard of a Mom lamenting she had gotten her 14 year old daughter a nicer phone than she had. Seriously?

Let me be candid, my kids don't want for anything. Sure, there may be lots of things that that want, but their basic needs of shelter, food, and clothing are more than covered. And that doesn't even touch on the plethora of Webkinz, Wii games, American Girl Dolls, Littlest Pet Shop, MP3 players, etc. that they own.

Just because you can...

I am not trying to be holier than thou here. We have provided lots of niceties for our kids. We are blessed in many ways, we can provide for our kids well over and beyond the necessities. I'd like to think that we try to keep in reined in, but it's all a matter of perspective.

Doesn't mean you should.

While it would be fun, really fun, to get them the latest cool toy or the cutest outfit from Mini Boden or CrewCuts, sign them up for each new activity they express an interest in, what does that teach them? If I start introducing and placing value on labels or brands at age 7 or 8, where will that put me (us) at 16 or 17? If I give in to the ipod now, will I be that Mom who is whining about her daughter having a better phone than I do in 10 years? If I sign them up with each whim, will they learn how to persevere in a difficult comittment?

What kind of adults am I trying to create as I raise my kids?

It's no wonder kids today have such a prolific sense of entitlement and lack self-discipline. We give them everything without asking (much of) anything.

The last time I checked, that's not how life works. At least not as an adult.

A friend sent me an article citing a study from the 1960's about children and marshmallows. If you have a minute, read it. It's well worth your time, and it's brief.

http://www.msgen.com/downloads/Marshmallow.pdf

The upshot is that if a four year old could wait a few minutes for an extra marshmallow, this restraint translated into better marriages, better paying-jobs, and having higher levels of career satisfaction later on in life. And as parents, when we say "no" to our kids requests for the latest and greatest thing or demand, we are helping them prepare for life as an adult. The results demonstrate that teaching children how to wait, how to delay gratification and the art of self-discipline, are skills every bit as valuable as teaching them how to read or write.

Cool. Now I have scientific back up for when I am the Mean Mom who "always" says "NO".

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Something to think about.